Don't Tell Me If I'm Dying!
by It'sAllGooeyAndSticky
Summary: Kenny is in the darkest place he's ever been. He has had enough of his curse. Butters just wants to help, and make Kenny feel better. Based on Angels On the Moon, by Thriving Ivory.


**Don't Tell Me If I'm Dying!**

We were nineteen year olds. We had graduated last year. I had been the one who kept Kenny from skipping the graduation ceremony. He was really glum all the time, because he felt like some piece of himself was missing. When we were kids, the boys had teased him, and picked on him a lot. He didn't seem to mind. But one of the things he did mind about was the fact that he couldn't die. He didn't get picked on for that, but he really hated that no one knew. When I told him I knew, when we were sixteen, he practically kissed me. I mean, we aren't going out, and I don't even know if he's gay. But he looked like he wanted to kiss me on the spot. He just smiled weakly at me, and we didn't talk about this ever again. School was something that kept him entertained. So, he just threw himself into his work, kicked his drug habits, and kicked the party habits. I was really proud of him. Now, we were nineteen, and he was standing at my door, looking at me with a grin on his face. That fake grin. That grin that hid all he was really feeling inside.

"What's up, Kenny?" I asked as I stood there, staring at him

"Come on a walk with me." he said without giving me a choice. "I really need to talk to you."

I could tell that he needed to talk about his problems. Usually, when he talks about himself, he says, I need to talk to someone. But today was different. He said, "I need to talk to you." He actually acknowledged that he needed to talk to me. He looked like his smile would fall off his face any moment, and the tears could flow in waves, from holding all his emotions.

"Sure." I said as I grabbed my jacket from the hook next to the door. I slipped it on, and I locked my door as I left. It was night time, and the moon was full. The stars were out, too. The street lamps were on. They looked like floating yellow eyes, peering at you from some random street corner. Kenny and I just walked off.

I wanted to ask him where we were going, but I didn't dare. The mood around him was really pale, in comparison to my cheerful mood. I didn't want to make a dent in the fragile silence, until Kenny was ready to. So, I just followed. He took us to Starks Pond. He sat down, on a log, and motioned for me to sit with him. I did as he asked.

Do you dream, that the world will know your name? So tell me your name?

"Butters?" Kenny asked as he laid a shaking hand on my arm. I looked up into his blue eyes, and saw that they were swimming with tears. I was right. "Stan…, is about to have his baby." Kenny said as a tear dripped onto his lap. "Kyle is engaged, and none of us can attend his wedding, because he's all the way in Dartmouth University." He whispered. "Bebe and Clyde are engaged, and going to move to Denver soon." He said softly. "All the girls are taken." He whispered.

I wanted to tell him that I already knew this, and ask why he was telling me. The question showed on my face, because he answered softly right away.

"I am poor, alone, and can't afford to leave this town." He explained. "I dreamed of having Stan's career selling jingles for commercials. I dreamed of the world knowing who I was, and taking it by storm. I dreamed that I would have a family. But all these people, who've had it all since the beginning, are beating me at all the things I wanted to accomplish."

"Don't you think they rushed their lives, Kenny?" I asked softly. "I mean, it's too soon for Stan to have a kid. He's nineteen! What does he know about anything about raising babies? Wendy doesn't know jack shit either." I explained.

Kenny laughed as he took my hand and laced his fingers through it. "I just feel so empty. No one knows Kenny McCormick outside of Colorado. No one. And you know, I really hate that." He whispered.

"Fine." I said as I gathered courage. "Tell me what you'd like the world to know. Tell me your name, Kenny McCormick. Tell me your story."

So, we sat there and he told me what I already knew. He told me every detail of his life as the middle child of the McCormick family. He and I ended up falling asleep on the log, at Stark's Pond. It was comfortable, because we both held each other for warmth.

Do you care, about all the little things, or anything at all?

Kenny came looking for me two weeks later. He was looking for a roommate. He was going to get an apartment, in one of the apartment complexes. I said yes. I was eager to get out of my parent's house, and go somewhere new. They minded, but what could they do to stop me. I mainly seized the opportunity because the boy asked me. I didn't know if anyone would ever come along and ask Leopold Butters Stotch if he wanted to live with them ever again. So I took the opportunity.

This gave me a chance to really get to know Kenny. When we moved in, I got to observe the boy. His habits when we ate together, his facial expressions as he did various activities in the house. I got to know the core of Kenny. I got to know everything. I got to know it all. I was so lucky.

Ever since we were kids, Kenny has known more about all of us, then we did about him. He cared about the little things, he cared about the big things. He observed, and he always made mental notes about people to himself. He appreciated life. He was simply amazing.

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside. I wanna feel. I want a sun burn. Just to know that I'm alive, to know I'm alive.

Kenny always wanted to see and feel everything. He appreciated life. He used all his senses to take it in. And he didn't even need to be high, to love life. He just hated dying. He was a risk taker. He was a back ground character. He was Kenny. He was an immortal. He hated that, too. But one thing Kenny always wanted, was to be alive. He never wanted anesthesia at the doctor's office, and he never wanted to be put to sleep for operations. He wanted to feel everything. He never put sun tan lotion on his body, either. He didn't complain the next day when the sun burn caught up with him.

This, of course, was a bad thing. Because, drugs were among the thing he wanted to feel. Once he experimented, and if he didn't like the said drug, he would leave it for good. He wasn't an addict. He never got hooked on anything.

Don't tell me if I'm dying. Cuz I don't wanna know. If I can't see the sun, then maybe I should go.

Kenny didn't have a simple life. Even the poorest kid in town besides Kenny, didn't have a simple life. He often died. But you already knew that. I guess I keep mentioning it because it's something that tears at his insides every night before he goes to sleep, and every morning again, after he wakes up. He always tries to make it look like it's no big deal. But it is. He tries to act like he doesn't care. Like when no one remembers that he died earlier that week, he doesn't let it get him down. He rarely lets that kind of stuff get to him. But if he were to ask someone to do him a favor, it would be, to remember his deaths. Not to tell him about them the next day, he doesn't care about that kind of stuff. He just wants someone to remember.

Don't wake me cuz I'm dreaming. Of Angels on the moon. And everyone you know, doesn't leave too soon.

Kenny loved food, and sleeping. When he slept, if he had a good dream, he hated you for waking him up. He didn't really hate you, but he would look at you with a sad pout, and reprimand you for waking him up in the middle of a good dream. His friends thought it was all about sex, and drugs. But I know Kenny. He dreams about a family, and a nice house. A love that he can hold all day and night. He dreams about not having a curse. He dreams of his freedom over his life. He dreams of angels taking care of him. Not him, being the angel. Even if he is. So, six months after we moved in together, I wondered to myself, if it was wrong that I wanted to be the angel. I wanted to be the one who helped him. Who mended those broken and ruffled wings. Was it wrong? Was I gay? And did I really want Kenny that way? What could I offer him?

Do you believe, in the day that you were born? Tell me, do you believe? And do you know, that every day's the first, of the rest…, of…, your life.

Kenny was sitting on our couch. He had been crying. I came in two minutes ago, and set all the groceries down on the dining room table. He smiled at me. As if the boy could hide his tears from me.

"Why didn't you take me shopping with you?" Kenny asked smiling as he stood up. I could've helped." He explained. "Butters, I want to help." He said softly.

"Well, Kenny, you were asleep so nicely, and I know you were dreaming good, because you were smiling a really beautiful smile." I said softly as I felt the blush creep up my face. "I didn't want to wake you up from your dream." I said simply.

"I woke up from it and couldn't find you. I don't know what's worse. Waking up and not finding you, or waking up and not being able to go back to sleep to the same dream." He said grinning.

"Are you okay, Kenny?" I asked.

"Yes." He lied.

"Kenny!" I said like my mom would say when I was little, and she caught me in a lie.

"I'm miserable, Butters." He said as he stared at the floor. "I can't die. I have a dead end job, and I don't have the most important thing in the world. I am really sad today." He muttered.

"Can I help?" I asked.

"If you could make it so that I was never born, then, yes." He said as he went back to the couch. "Once, I heard you playing this song by Thriving Ivory." He said bitterly. "It seems like every day is the first day of my life for me whenever I end up dying." He muttered as he looked down at the floor. "Hey!" he said as he smiled and stood up. "Do you want me to cook for you?" he asked.

"Kenny, it's my turn." I said softly. "Just lay there. Let me do what I need to do." I ordered.

This is to one last day in the shadows. And to know a brother's love. This is to New York's city of angels. And the rivers of our blood. This is to all of us. To all of us.

Kenny and I sat down to dinner. He was really happy as I dished up his food, and gave him a plate. It was pizza, and salad. He really looked like he was enjoying the salad. He smiled.

"Ever since I moved in with you, I've gained a lot of weight." He said smiling. "You can't see my ribs anymore." He said grinning at me. He had a ranch mustache. I smiled back at him.

"I'm glad you and I are roommates." I said smiling. "I really didn't think anyone would ask me."

"I'm glad no one asked you." Kenny said as he looked straight into my eyes. "I really am. You're like, my best friend, Butters. I am glad we get to share this kind of life together." He said as he wiped his face with a napkin.

"Let's have a toast." I said as I picked up my fruit punch.

"To our friendship." Kenny said as we clinked glasses. "I love you, Leo." He said. We both sipped our cups after we clinked them together.

"I love you, too, Ken." I said softly.

Sadly he didn't know how much I meant it. He didn't know I loved him more than anything in the world. He didn't know I loved him, and loved the way he needed me. Because he did. I don't know how, but he needed me. I helped him through a lot. He couldn't do without me. I couldn't do without him, either.

You could tell me all your thoughts about, the stars that fill polluted skies. And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side. But don't tell me where the road ends. Cuz I just don't wanna know. No, I don't wanna know.

I came in to find Kenny sobbing uncontrollably on the couch. He didn't see me. He had his face in his hands, and tears were running down the sides of his wrists. He looked so small and helpless. He was crying.

"Kenny?" I asked softly.

"Butters!" he said as he stopped crying instantly. He gave me a bright smile. It never faltered. "Hey!" he said as he cleaned up his face.

"Why are you crying?" I asked softly.

"I'm not." He said as he smirked up at me.

"Lie to me, again." I said softly. "Do it while looking me straight in the eye."

"I don't lie." Kenny said softly as he looked up at me and his azure orbs filled with liquid again. The emotion ran down his cheeks, and I closed the door behind me, walking over to him. I sat down beside him, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He broke down anew.

"Can you tell me?" I asked softly. "I'm here. I'll be your friend, Kenny." I whispered.

"I think I have to leave." he muttered softly.

"Why?" I asked as I held him.

"Because I am too much of a basket case to be here." He muttered. "I think I love you, but I don't know what love is. So, I can't stay here, and bother you with problems of my own. Yu don't do that to someone you love. You're supposed to protect them." He explained as he held on to me for dear life.

"Bull." I said as I squeezed him tighter. "Bull, Kenny. I love you. And I want to be there to help you." I said bitterly. "I don't know why you think you have to leave."

"I think I have to leave, because I really don't want to burden you with deaths of mine. I want to let you have a normal life." He said softly. "One day, Butters, I will die, and I won't come back. But you know what? I don't want to know where, when, or how that'll happen!" He was shouting now. "I hate my curse! And I just want to help everyone else, and know about my loved ones. I don't want to know about me anymore! I don't want to be sick and sad all the time wondering why I can't die, and why I'm such an idiot! I don't have to leave!" he shouted as his head fell into my shoulder. "I don't have to leave! I need you!" he sobbed. "I need to be with you, and take care of you, just like you take care of me."

I leaned down, and kissed his lips gently. "I will take care of you, Kenny. You're my Angel." I whispered. "I love you."

"You do?" he asked softly.

"Yes. I do." I said softly. "I always will. You're amazing, and I love you."

We kissed again, and I held him gently. He was my special angel. My private angel on the moon


End file.
